Gf Babys Me and I Dont Like It
Can I Appointment Someone Who Wants Nothing to Do With My Kids?
My girlfriend is great, just she and my teens hate each other.
Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit information technology hither or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group .
Dear Care and Feeding,
Can I appointment someone who wants nothing to do with my kids?
I've had primary custody of my daughter (age 17) and son (sixteen) for the past 15 years. They by and large spend one calendar week or weekend a calendar month with their mother and the rest of their time with me. Their mother has been married multiple times (with multiple temporary stepsiblings for my kids), and whenever there was a new man in the picture, her eldest girl (19) would oftentimes stay with me as well.
Dating with this custody organization has been a challenge. Women with kids often seemed in a rush to blend families when I wanted to keep them strictly split up until I was ready to be remarried. I dated a woman who had no children seriously for four years, simply she eventually backed abroad from dealing with two to three stepkids and a difficult ex. Two years agone, I had a temporary work assignment in Miami, where I met and began dating my sister's all-time friend from college. I spent the adjacent six months flying back and along from Kansas City, and we quickly brutal in love. When she would come to visit, all my kids loved her. (Partly because she would spoil the girls with designer clothes and my son with expensive gaming systems.) When my piece of work assignment concluded, and I couldn't travel anymore, my girlfriend (a consultant whose piece of work takes her around the globe) moved in with me.
At that place were challenges from the beginning. My girlfriend refused to make friends with the "pumpkin-spice moms" in suburban Kansas Urban center, even though my daughter'due south friend'southward mothers oftentimes attempted to include her in activities. She didn't understand why we couldn't go out every weekend or on schoolhouse nights. My kids are all good kids. But they are teenagers. They're noisy, messy, and frequently inconsiderate. Three kids with iii schedules ways I'1000 constantly driving one of them somewhere, and I can't drink on weekends because I need to be available if i of them needs to be picked upwardly.
My girlfriend was miserable. She spent most of her time locked in the office working or crying in our bedroom. When she came out, I could meet she was trying hard with my kids, but she was terrible at it! My son hated her demands to tidy up effectually the house, merely they at least managed to bond over video games. My daughters now detest her—and it's mutual. She says they are "selfish, spoiled piddling bitches" who don't appreciate what I sacrifice for them, and "take afterward their mother." This is harsh, though not entirely inaccurate … but you don't say those things where kids tin hear you! My daughters are also smart, have a ton of friends, and rarely get into trouble.
I told my girlfriend she needed to effigy out how to get along with them or this wasn't going to work out between us. She moved out the next solar day. Just I missed her. She missed me. So instead of heading back to Miami, she bought a fancy loft in the arts district and agreed we'd run into each other just once or twice a week until my younger daughter went to college. My girlfriend is perfectly happy with this organization and is back to being the undemanding, fun, amazing adult female I fell in dearest with. My kids thought nosotros had broken up, and now that they know we haven't, my younger daughter is furious. She says I'm betraying them by existence with someone who hates them, "simply similar Mom does." (My older (step)girl is focused on college and doesn't care as much.) Am I betraying my children? I expect they will all stay shut for college, so I'd like to at least be able to celebrate the holidays or see them on the weekends without drama. Was I wrong to make it my girlfriend's responsibleness as the adult to get along with my kids?
—In Love With the Wicked Stepmother
Beloved ILWtWS,
I gotta admit, I spent a few minutes staring out into the void thinking about how I'd experience if my father's girlfriend—with whom he is all the same entangled—called me a "selfish, spoiled little bitch," and boy, information technology did non feel skilful. I'm 36. I don't know how a punch like that would land at 16.
Information technology sounds to me that your children have spent most of their lives without being a priority to their mother—including your stepdaughter, every bit it sounds like y'all've stood in the gap for both of her biological parents. That has, of form, affected both you and the kids in a major fashion. Your ex has been able to bounciness from human relationship to human relationship with ease while you've been busy doing the heavy lifting solitary. It'due south truly unfair. You, likewise, deserve companionship.
Alas, the person that yous chose is a damn complicated fit for the unique situation y'all're in. You've got three (say it with your chest: "3") children who have been largely rejected by their own female parent, and who exercise you lot cease upwardly moving into the house? A woman who literally could not control her contempt for them plenty to avert referring to at least one of them as a "selfish, spoiled little bitch" while they were within earshot. And if that wasn't triggering enough, they come to find out that when they thought you 2 had called it quits, yous really merely hadn't told them to their faces that you were all the same laid upwardly with her.
I'yard a unmarried parent too, so I can certainly relate to the difficult business of trying to find someone whom you like, who likes you, who is too a good fit for your family unit, your lifestyle, your goals, etc. It's hard as hell, and I can only imagine how information technology must feel watching your ex constantly partner and repartner at will, considering she has the fourth dimension, because you have the kids.
However, throughout this complicated journeying, you take had choices and your children have had none. Unlike their female parent, you accept called to prioritize them up until this betoken in their lives, which is great. Simply looming higher plans and legal machismo doesn't mean your children don't need you to put them starting time anymore.
This woman said some really awful things about your kids, and you didn't really dispute them, at to the lowest degree not in your letter. Practice you think your children are selfish, spoiled bitches? If and so, possibly that's what you should be writing to us about, no? That seems like a huge issue to address, possibly ane that should be talked out with a professional.
You lot weren't wrong to await her, as an adult, to put forth an effort to become along with your children and, when said effort failed, to not resort to name calling. She does not take to like or want children, only if she is going to date a man who has them, she has to be able to care for them well. If they mistreated her, you should have addressed it. Acting like the kids don't exist when you're together ain't gonna cut it.
If you don't think that your children are selfish, spoiled bitches, is it that they accept acted out of graphic symbol with your girlfriend and mistreated her in some significant style? Or is she having an outsize reaction to standard-issue teenage shenanigans? I can't tell clearly from your letter, simply either style, at that place's going to have to be some significant work done to heal your family unit—even if your girlfriend drops out the picture tomorrow.
I tin't overstate how messed upwards it is that these kids, particularly your daughters, have a crappy, selfish mom, then find themselves sharing a home with a woman who is every bit disinterested in caring for them. Tin can y'all engagement someone who wants nothing to exercise with your kids? Casually, absolutely. Merely if you're talking about sharing your life with someone, yous can't ignore the fact that your life includes your children—and they won't stop being a role of your life just because they'll exist moving out presently.
I tin't tell you to concur out for someone who loves kids, specifically yours. But I will say that being a male parent is one of the all-time and biggest parts of who yous are as a person. Do you think the bang-up beloved of your life is one that requires y'all to take off such a treasured lid at the door? Doesn't audio like a swell fit to me, only I'm wishing you lots of happiness no matter what.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My married woman and I are both socially bad-mannered, just we're otherwise happy with our lives and our two kids. Our eldest daughter has a 10th birthday coming upward, but because of COVID, nosotros are limited to just having a birthday "parade" for her instead of a political party. Nosotros have posted data on the school's fifth-grade Facebook page, which is how parents communicate these days, merely we haven't received whatever responses and then far.
My feeling is that a number of the parents don't intendance for my wife and I, as we tend not to be social with them outside of schoolhouse. They have a very close-knit clique that started earlier some of the kids were in kindergarten, and when we joined the school in first course, we never seemed to make the cut. Now, I fear they are taking information technology out on our daughter. She has classmates who video chat with her, but fifty-fifty those parents won't commit to what is little more than a drive-by altogether greeting. I don't want my daughter to suffer considering her mom and I failed to overcome our own social anxieties. Do you think there is anything that can be done to increase participation in my girl's altogether commemoration?
—The Shy Parent
Honey TSP,
Inquire your daughter's instructor for a class roster and message all the parents individually via Facebook, or e-mail if possible. Say something forth these lines: "Howdy, I'm TSP. You probably recognize my wife and I as the couple who doesn't commonly say very much at schoolhouse gatherings. I hope no one takes that to be rudeness or a lack of involvement in getting to know our daughter's classmates and their families; honestly, the two of us are just on the shy side. I'g writing because we're having a niggling celebration for Kiddo'southward birthday and though we posted information technology on the fifth form page, we oasis't gotten many responses yet. It'south been such a rough yr for all the kids, and it would really mean a lot to Kiddo to see some of her classmates participate in her special day …"
I know I'm asking you to go from 0 to 100, but yous were gifted cocky-awareness for a reason. A lot of folks who could exist described equally socially awkward could not tell yous that themselves, and while it may seem a petty scary to share that information publicly, yous very well may observe that there are other families outside (or even within) the "clique" that are dealing with similar issues. Furthermore, you'll be giving your daughter'south classmates' parents the information they need to make a determination about the parade; kids' birthday parties are commonly somewhat of a pain-in-the-ass, so information technology'due south like shooting fish in a barrel to use "unfriendly parents" as an alibi non to nourish. Shy and awkward are easily, and often, mistaken for hateful or stuck-up. I think baring your soul a little hither can go a long way, or you lot'll become confirmation that these people are garbage man beings and that yous simply can't rely on them for bones acts of decency.
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Honey Care and Feeding,
I am getting married to the honey of my life next yr (circumstances permitting), and I couldn't be happier about that! I only have one pocket-sized problem: We've lived together for seven years and prior to 3 years agone, everyone outside the two of us and our closest friends assumed I was a cisgender human being and not a trans woman. His parents and brothers have been supportive and kind (ofttimes more than my own), but the hymeneals guest listing includes many members of his extended family I've never met. Normally I would exist worried, yet optimistic; however, a not insignificant number of his family explicitly harbor negative feelings toward queer people and are sometimes openly hostile about information technology on social media. I don't read immediately every bit feminine even after iii years of hormone replacement therapy, and I'm worried some sort of atmospherics might happen when I run into these people for the first fourth dimension. He says at that place's a proficient likelihood that a lot of his family unit won't travel to our land for the wedding and has bodacious me he'll help me no matter what. But the fear of it all has been putting so much stress on me that I've been crying thinking about it. Is there something I can practise to keep the chance of some sort of altercation or confrontation low or should I only accept that something may happen and prepare myself for it?
—Bleary-Eyed Bride-to-Be
Dear BEBtB,
Girl, fuck those people. This is your wedding 24-hour interval. Yours. A day about you. Your fiancé should not want to invite anyone who does non respect both your humanity and your womanhood, just if that's not clicking for him, I think you should tell him that you don't want to take anyone nowadays that isn't going to happily welcome you into their family. Courtesy invites are for people whom you'd want to have at an outcome but you know it's unlikely they'll come; if y'all invite someone to a wedding, yous have to exist prepared for the possibility that they will evidence upward. For that reason, you need to limit your guest list to only those friends and family members who will come in the spirit of love and celebration and worry about those other losers when you're forced to share space with them, like at a family reunion or funeral.
Besides, I retrieve you may want to talk to your fiancé about how you desire him to support you in situations like this. His arroyo here leaves something to be desired. I'yard sorry this is putting a damper on your wedding planning, and I hope you tin can trim the fatty off the guest list and become back to the practiced office soon.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I've been friends with "L" for about 15 years now, but over one-half my life. Nosotros both grew up in abusive homes and struggled a lot through early adulthood because of information technology. Throughout all of it we stayed close, even when I moved beyond the country and she had ii children (I don't have whatever). She was always determined and ambitious, and I always admired how she bounced back from adversity.
I considered L my best friend until nigh a year ago, when her partner said some really bigoted things about me and she defended him. I told her to call me when she realized that this situation was toxic. A few weeks ago she did only that; her now-ex got high and totaled her automobile with her two kids (they were physically unharmed, and neither of them is his). We talked a little bit and it seemed similar she was doing well, but I was genuinely stunned when she called me crying a short fourth dimension later to tell me she hit her half-dozen-year-old out of anger because she'south a "bad kid." I walked her through everything I know about severe clinical depression and how to care for information technology, mainly therapy and meds (she stopped taking hers), simply also yoga, journaling, soul searching, meetings, etc. When I checked in the next solar day, she told me she was going to have vitamins and attempt to sleep with her ex. I never thought I would be in this position with her. What should I do?
—Sister'south Keeper
Love SK,
I'k sorry your friend is struggling like this. The best affair you tin practice for her now is to try to assist her in getting some real aid. Speak from the heart, talk well-nigh how you admire her and how she deserves to feel better. Make yourself available to go virtually to a counselor or therapist with her. Bank check in as often as you can, remind her that she'southward not alone and has someone who cares about her by her side. But don't forget to exist gentle with yourself; know that you are non solely responsible for her ability to recover and that she can just get improve if she is willing. You lot aren't responsible for ensuring that she turns things around, you're merely a friend wanting to help a friend go better—and for skilful reason, as both she and her children could be in existent danger right now. I know this is a stressful and frightening state of affairs. Please exercise your best to be present and persistent, while also honoring the fact that this adult female is an adult with her own mind, and that even your all-time efforts may non be enough on their own to go her to come to terms with what she needs to exercise for herself and her family. Proficient luck to you both.
— Jamilah
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Source: https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/09/girlfriend-kids-hate-each-other-care-and-feeding.html
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